A Lost Girl in a Woman's Body

For my caregiver, Drew,

After all the tossing and turning I’ve been doing as the publication for my story draws near, I’ve decided that I would like to dedicate this story to you.

You’ve been with me every step of the way, through thick and thin. And you know how much I hate holding secrets, since we used to hold our secrets for each other from the world. You used to joke that I was too honest and naive for the world. I guess you can say that this book is my first secret that I’ve kept from you for an entire year. I’ve never felt more distant from you throughout this process, and part of me still wants to take back what I’m about to say…

I’m afraid that if I speak my truth, you will feel like I’ve betrayed you and outed you to the world. I’m also afraid that if I speak my truth, people may not acknowledge my pain. I’m scared that if I bring you and me into the light, you will chastise me for abandoning my family. But I’m coming to understand that by writing my story, since I want to grant myself the freedom to feel what I need to feel, I will have to make peace with what you need to feel too, because true love cannot exist within the confines of control. I just wish that we lived in a world where I could still love my caregivers and also acknowledge the hurt that rests within us. I’m anxious of what the world would think of you after reading my story. Perhaps I’m also afraid that the world wouldn’t understand why we still cling to each other so tightly. Maybe I don’t give the world enough credit to see nuance because growing up, it was easier for me to see you as the villain. But I know better, now. At least, I’m trying my best to reconcile my dichotomous perception of you. Despite all of my grievances, I hope you’re not too hard on yourself. I think you have been all your life, which was why you were so hard on me.

Thank you, Drew, for always supporting and encouraging me to follow my dreams. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for you. I love you.