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“In order to figure out who you are, you have to heal. And in order to heal, you have to hurt. And in order to hurt, you have to break your own heart. You have to have the courage to break your own heart."
– Alok Vaid-Menon
From the outside looking into my home life, I was a well-loved and upstanding child with two attentive and responsible caregivers.
It comes without saying that I am grateful for what my caregivers were able to provide for me within their physical and mental capabilities. I am forever deeply touched by their good intentions and commitment to ensuring I had everything they felt they had missed out on in their childhood.
But I feel the need to tell my story, because what was happening behind the scenes has significantly shaped where I am in life right now, for better and for worse.
I am choosing to be vulnerable with the world, because I’ve come to realize how my reticence has cost me a chance to truly connect with the people in my life. I always felt that I needed to hide certain parts of myself, which often led me to behave in self-preserving ways instead of truly being present with the people around me. Ironically, I was desperately hoping to stay connected with others by disconnecting from myself. But by opening up, I hope it will give me the chance to thoroughly contextualize my life, and also validate people who have gone through similar experiences. I find that oftentimes when we are put in difficult circumstances, we may punish ourselves for how we choose to cope. Perhaps, by honoring my story, others can also move from a place of shame to compassionate acceptance for the ways they chose to survive as well. As I take these next steps to heal myself and finally grow up, instead of having all my problems solved for me, I want to take an active part in learning how to solve my own problems. I hope to see that we can come together and cultivate some healthy interdependence for what seems to be a prevalent problem in many of our communities.
2. Playing God