11. Ego Death

As I pushed through my honors thesis and voice recital, my internal world was more chaotic than ever. I was that scared little girl again, trying to hide how I was an imposter, despite what I had built for myself these past few years in college. During my meetings for my honors thesis, I would suddenly burst into tears if I sensed the PI was slightly disappointed in me. I was getting emotional flashbacks of mumbling through presentations about science fair projects that weren’t my own.

“It’s okay, you’re doing really great work. Honestly, I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it… do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

I couldn’t choke out any words of reassurance that I was going to be okay like usual. It didn’t matter what kind of encouragement I was told, since my mental distortions had me convinced everyone was lying to my face to be polite. Everyone secretly wanted to get rid of me since I was a burden to their work. They must’ve also hated me for all the good things I had in life that I didn’t deserve.

“Sometimes… when I get too in my head, I like to stand by the ocean. It makes me feel small and insignificant, but it reminds me that one small thing isn’t going to be the end of the world. Maybe you can give it a go if you’re feeling overwhelmed.”

As I ran outside, quietly sobbing, the graduate student came up to me, giving me a tight hug.

“Are you facing a lot of uncertainty at this time?” I quietly nodded in response.

“You know, growing up, I wasn’t the greatest student. I got straight D’s back in high school. Never would I have thought that I would have the chance to get a PhD at such a prestigious institution. But sometimes you just gotta let life guide you and hope for the best.”

His words echoed in my mind as I was going through my weekly routine with my voice professor in my singing lesson.

As I soullessly polished off the last few phrases of an impressive run, my voice professor instructed me to stop. She then commented,

“Why is it that I sense you are always asking for permission whenever you sing?”

I didn’t know what to say.

“I see you have trouble taking yourself seriously. But deep down, you really want to. And I certainly think you have the capacity to do so. We’ve worked together for so long, and I see how every time I give you feedback on your singing, your mind seems to run off into some distant future. I believe that whenever we are motivated into action, we are either running away from something, or running towards something else…”

10. To Be Human

12. What Was I Made For?