12. What Was I Made For?

I saw an email with the subject line: Graduate Admission. Oh great, after all the rejections I had been receiving from all the vocal programs I had applied to, this will be another rejection to add to that pile. There was no way I could get in after having a denied recommendation letter request show up on the application.

Wait… holy shit. Holy. Shit!!! I definitely was not expecting that at all. I quickly called my caregivers to share the incredible news.

“I KNEW that if you called us it was about that particular program! Oh! I’m so happy to hear that the offer came through. It seems like everything that I put you through was truly worth it. We’re both really proud of you,” Drew exclaimed.

When I came back home later that summer, Drew was on the verge of deportation when their criminal record as a petty shoplifter caught up to them. Emerson and I quickly came to their rescue to testify to the courts on their behalf. We built a case on how their need to stay in the states was crucial to taking care of me, their dysfunctional depressed dependent who had a history of mental illness as I started graduate school. Having been Drew’s blubbering, squabbling appendage my entire life, I was happy to finally be seen as useful. Now was my chance to shine.

As I sorted through their documents to write my testament to the court, I got to see a side of Drew I never saw before. No longer were they depicted as an all-powerful, all-knowing dictator of my life. They were just another person fumbling in a cold, uncaring world.

Back in Drew’s home country, they grew up in a household that was bombarded with political and civil unrest. Their paternal grandfather was executed by the very government he worked for, leaving Drew’s father, barely a teenager at the time, as the only man in his household. These circumstances deeply traumatized him that by the time he became Drew’s father, he had grown into an ill-tempered man who constantly took out his frustrations at the world on his own beloved family.

“Drew describes an upbringing marked by sadness and feelings of being different or worthless. Drew notes that, perhaps due to the aforementioned social and economic hardships, their parents would often "fight a lot" and that their father was ‘angry all the time’. Drew notes that their father "had a bad temper" and that he ‘criticized me a lot’ and that they perceived that their parents both favored their younger sibling, perhaps due Drew's perception that their younger sibling ‘was better-looking than me.’ Drew describes coping via frequent withdrawal and isolation as well as a focus on academic achievement as a means of maintaining self worth and garnering the attention of their parents. They report that, in their early childhood, they would also often find solace in privately collecting and storing away various keepsakes, including colorful pencils or notebooks. These collecting behaviors were kept secret from others. Drew recalls memories of their mother obsessively collecting, coveting and storing away baby clothes, a behavior which confused Drew at the time but which appeared to have more relevance as Drew considered their own impulses towards stealing and collecting items of clothing later in their life.”

Clearly, clinging, whether it be to an idea, or material items, had an extended history in our family. When Drew went off to study at a good university in their country, they met Emerson, a personable, outstanding academic that many stated would be going places. Shortly after their graduation and marriage, Drew and Emerson immigrated to the United States so Emerson could complete their graduate program. During this time, Drew enrolled in an undergraduate university in the States, but this time, they were not able to keep up academically due to their English language barrier. Struggling with a sense of self-worth, Drew turned to the one other way they could get immediate gratification: clothes.

“ln XXXX, they were, for the first time, caught shoplifting a sweater from a local department store. Despite the embarrassment and shame associated with the arrest, Drew was again arrested in XXXX under very similar circumstances. It was after this second arrest, that Drew was ordered to undergo mandated group counseling. ln remembering this period of time and reflecting about underlying reasons for their shoplifting behaviors, Drew reports: ‘l didn't feel satisfied with my life.’ Their sense of failure in establishing a professional life for themselves further increased their feelings of worthlessness.”

Then I came along, leading us to the present.

“ln XXXX, Drew had their first and only child. Drew recalls that their identity as a new caregiver provided significant meaning and purpose to their life, and their mood and outlook improved… While Drew describes some improvement in self concept due to their identity as a caregiver, they also report that their child confronted considerable mental health challenges during their teen years. From roughly XXXX to XXXX, Drew's child struggled with depression as well as self harming and suicidal behaviors, eventually culminating in their child attempting suicide. Drew acknowledges that this represented a period of significant conflict and struggle between them and their child. Fortunately, Drew reports that their child's mental health improved over the course of their later teen years, with their child eventually being able to attend college and attain an undergraduate degree. Drew describes their current relationship with their child as ‘much better,’ noting that they speak almost daily and that their child visits on a regular basis.”

“Currently, Drew seems to have a limited social network and relatively few hobbies or interests… While Drew describes their relationship with their spouse as positive and supportive, they also report that Emerson has been living in XXX since earlier this year due to work obligations, leaving Drew to attend to household matters and the well-being of their adult child. Drew appears to continue to struggle with shoplifting behaviors, having been cited once in XXXX and once in XXXX for criminal trespassing at local department stores. Drew also acknowledges continued mental health challenges, including chronic depression and fear and anxiety about the future, particularly as they confront the possibility of having their visa revoked due to their history of criminal behavior.”

I thought to myself, even if Drew was a petty thief, they didn’t deserve to be treated in such a dehumanizing way by the U.S. government. Despite my grievances towards Drew, it always enraged me whenever an outsider treated them poorly, especially if it came from a place of xenophobia. Drew vowed that they would be better and never steal again in their life, since so much money was sunk into their lawyer.

“There are things in my past that I wish you didn’t have to know about… and I sincerely hope that you don’t turn out like me. If you ever did the things that I did, I’d go crazy with grief… ” Drew rambled to themselves in the car as we stopped in front of a stop light. I knew, in that moment, that Drew didn’t need a harsh judgemental quip from my smart mouth. I wanted them to feel loved by me, unconditionally, because they were, after all, my caregiver. It was an eternal truth that ran in my blood the moment I came into the world as their child.

“I promise. I promise I won’t do it. It’s okay. I still love you.” I draped myself onto their right shoulder from the passenger seat.

The court date was upon us, and Drew, Emerson, and I boarded the train in the early morning to get to the trial located in the big city. For once in a long time, the three of us, as a family, arrived on time. When Drew left the two of us to take their place in the courtroom, I whispered to Emerson if they thought everything would turn out alright. Emerson replied that they think it should, especially since the both of us were present to support them. The hearing stretched on and on, where at one point Drew was interrogated as to why they left the country given the precarious status of their visa.

“I needed to see my mum,” Drew blankly declared. “At that point, she had been bedridden for three years, and I wanted to help alleviate the burden she was putting on my family.”

Finally, the judge gave their final verdict:

“After reading through your case, and listening to what you had to say today, I have to say that I really feel for you. You’ve been through so much, and it’s clear to me that you have been working hard to get better. I’m happy to see that your family is here to support you, but things will get harder as you continue to get older. I’m wishing the best for you. You are free to go.”

Drew’s record would be erased, and they were no longer going to be deported by the U.S. government. As the judge delivered their decree, though Drew’s face remained stiff, their eyes gave away the relief they felt at long last. This chapter was now behind us.

That afternoon, we went out to a Chinese restaurant to celebrate the good news. After our meal, per ritual, it was time to read our fortune cookies. Drew tore open the plastic wrap, crinkled it up, and proceeded to pry open their cookie.

Drew’s face was beaming, as their hands quickly stashed the sacred slip of paper into their checkbook.

A couple days later, Emerson departed from our home, flying many miles away to return to their work abroad. Drew, having lived through the pandemic with the fear of food scarcity lingering over the nation, had stuffed our house to the brim with perishables way past their expiration date, attracting multitudes of moths and rice weevils. The sight of rotten food and cardboard boxes cluttering our front door, kitchen, and living room greeted me as I returned once again to my home-sweet-home. I certainly had mixed feelings being back in that house, alone with Drew. Some days I was tender and sweet, a good little girl. Excited about my future, Drew would recount how they couldn’t imagine all of their hard work could’ve culminated in me attending such a prestigious university for graduate school.

“I just knew, when you came into the world, that I had a vision for who you were going to become. My imagination was unstoppable. Every success, every step, I was sure to scrutinize. I wanted to make sure that everything that I didn’t get to do in my childhood, you were sure to do it. Maybe I overdid it a little, making you do so much. But look at how it paid off. You’re a star now.”

I snuggled closer to Drew. As we lay in the same bed, Drew stroking my arm, they confessed,

“When I moved to the U.S. with Emerson while they were in grad school, I was so scared. Emerson was too busy with their studies to spend any time with me. It should’ve been their duty as my spouse to pay attention to me. I was having trouble getting through my program, so I asked Emerson to do my homework with me. By the time I graduated, I had no confidence in myself to get a job. I knew it was my duty to be a caregiver, so when you came along, I told myself that I wanted you to be perfect, so you wouldn’t turn out like me. I paid attention to every step of your path, ensuring that you didn’t fall so hard that you wouldn’t be able to pick yourself back up again. I’m so glad that it paid off. Not in a million years did I ever dream our family would be associated with such a prestigious university, despite it being right by our doorstep.”

I felt soothed by Drew’s touch, laying on that bed, yet other days I would be itching to get out of that house. I hated my emotional inconsistency, not knowing who I was loyal to. Once again, it was back to our routine where in the dead of night I would model clothes Drew spotted in some store which they amassed in our master bedroom. If I got tired of trying on clothes I had no interest in, they’d guilt me into it by stating, “If you really loved me, you’d try these on for me. After a lifetime of taking care of you, you should think of me for once.” Some nights, I’d feel an overwhelming sense of suffocation and wake up sobbing from my breathless sleep, not remembering what I had dreamt of that made me so sad. An inner voice told me I was weeping that it was time to sever the invisible cord that was still attached to Drew. The little girl in me pleaded for me to stop, still wanting to linger a little longer by Drew’s side.

11. Ego Death

13. Are You Satisfied?